


All These Things I've Done

by kaydeevill



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: And angsty, Angst, College AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jean is Sad, M/M, Modern AU, and just wants to be there for jean, and trapped in the closet, i wrote this solely to suffer, jean is pre-med, marco is precious as always, marco wants to teach spanish, probably too much angst tbh, roommates au, so buckle your seatbelts and enjoy the suffering with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaydeevill/pseuds/kaydeevill
Summary: Jean's first love, Eren, died a year ago. 
Since then, Jean hasn't been the same and he's stuck trying to figure out how to move on. 
While Jean's struggling with the loss of Eren, he unexpectedly becomes roommates with a boy -who's freckles may look like stars to Jean- named Marco.
Through the discovery of secrets, life, and grief, a love will begin to bloom and Jean may learn how to live again.





	All These Things I've Done

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trash that loves to make myself suffer
> 
> but you're here too
> 
> so at least we're in this together

            _“I can’t exist within my own head_

_So I insist on haunting your bed”_

_            -     Haunt // Bed _

 

There was a time in my life where I was happy.

I know because I remember. Now though, life is nothing. Life is dull and grey and there are shadows over everything. I don’t know why certain things happens. I just don’t know why, but life is cruel that way. Life has no mercy. Life will throw you in the ocean and dunk your head under until it’s over. Life is just not _fair_. It’s cruel. I don’t know how people can actually enjoy this cynical reality show called Life. I don’t get it.

There was a time in my life where I couldn’t even fathom the thought of moving on.

I know because I’m living it now.

_______________________

 

I didn’t see it coming. When I saw him that night, I didn’t know that would be the last time I’d ever see him. I didn’t know I would never see his two oddly colored eyes, his messy hair, the scars on his knuckles, the feel of his arms, his lips against mine. I didn’t know that it would be the last time, but that’s how things work. There are no warning signs, no stop nows, no watch outs. It just happens out of the blue, when you least expect it, when you’re least prepared.

            Instead, you’re just left with things left unsaid. You’re left with should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. Right now though, I felt that I was left with nothing. There were no memories, no feelings, just emptiness. My body didn’t even respond when I answered the phone at 3AM. There were no tears. My body just went…silent, and not the good silent, but the deafening silent. I was drowning in so much silence that I couldn’t even hear the frantic voice on the line anymore.

            “Jean, honey,” –her voice was strangled- “Something happened to Eren.”

 __________

 

            I was greeted by tears and sympathetic hugs when I entered the hospital, but I couldn’t hear a single thing. I couldn’t feel. Everything’s was just a blur. I had no clue who the doctors and who was there to support Carla and Grisha. I have no clue how I managed to get to Eren’s hospital room. It was all just one big blur.

            Everything froze though the moment I saw him in that hospital bed. He looked so small and fragile.

            “The doctor’s said the chances of him making it out of this are very slim.” Carla says, while holding onto Grisha. I can hear it in her voice. She wants to breakdown too. The tears are on the verge of falling, but one of them has to be strong for the other. Eren’s mother was the strong one. She always was, that’s where Eren got it from.

            I glance at her thumb, going back and forth over the back of her husband’s hand. Eren’s hands look exactly like his mother’s- long and slim- classic pianist fingers. I look at my own hands quickly -coarse and callused- and think about how these hands may never get to touch Eren again. Before I even realize it, tears are streaming down my face and onto my shirt.

            “How?” I manage.

            Grisha looks down at the floor. I can see conflict behind his eyes.

            “He was driving to your house. He was rushing. Told us he needed to see you now and talk to you. He left before we could even say anything. He was hit by a drunk driver. He was hit on his side of the car. He has a lot of damage to his spinal cord and is currently in a coma. Even if he does wake up the doctor’s said the chances are high that he’ll be paralyzed.” He manages to explain.

            Carla is sobbing against Grisha’s chest now; his shirt in her fist. Grisha looks at me expectantly. He’s waiting for me to react. He knew the information he just told me would impact me. Maybe he thought that I would react at Eren’s diagnosis and condition rather than the fact that the reason he’s here is my fault. This is all because of me, because I am stupidly stubborn and scared and can’t handle being pushed, so I got mad at him. We screamed at each other and I left. I went back home to grovel in my anger and sorrow. This was all because of me. It was my fault and I had no one else to blame but myself.

            Just as quickly as the tears came, they stopped. I kept falling in between being numb and feeling an all-consuming amount of guilt. My body was telling me to feel, but my mind was telling me to turn off my emotions. I didn’t know what else to do but stand there looking at Grisha and Carla. So, instead of facing their tears and stares I turned around and looked at Eren.

            I barely recognized him. There was still left over blood in the tuffs of hair sticking out from underneath the bandages around his head. His face was swollen and he was littered with bruises. I went to reach for his hand and paused. I couldn’t grab it; I didn’t deserve to grab it. “I’m a fucking shame” is what I thought to myself. I’m a fucking joke. I deserved to be where Eren was right now, but instead I’m standing beside him, thinking about how this was my fault. I never hated myself so much than I did in that moment. If anybody was going to die in that hospital bed it should’ve been me.

            I thought about the moment we met. I thought about how fast he came into my life, bringing a whirlwind of emotions, and bringing along a love that I never thought I was capable of feeling.

But as fast as he came into my life was as fast as he left it.

__________

 

            I saw him once, before he passed away. It was the first night he was in the hospital. The night that Carla called me, telling me that something bad had happened to Eren. He had been in the hospital for a month and I didn’t visit him once.

            I hoped and prayed that he would make it out fine. I didn’t even believe in God, but I promises to whatever the hell was in the sky looking down on me, that I would become a dedicated worshipper if it meant getting Eren back. I hoped that by some miracle he would wake up, be able to use his arms and legs, and make a stupid, condescending joke about how it would take more than that to kill him, but he never did.

            I didn’t think I deserved to see him, nonetheless, be near him. I had done this to him and there was no way around it. I shouldn’t have been the one to sit by his hospital bed for countless nights holding his hand, whispering words of encouragement into his ear, and telling him how much I loved him. It shouldn’t have been me, so I made sure it wasn’t by just not going. Carla and Grisha called me countless times, left me countless voicemails and texts, but I just couldn’t bear to look them in the eyes. I was the one that had put their son in that bed. I didn’t deserve any of their words of comfort.

            His parents held a funeral for him as soon as they could after he passed. I knew I didn’t have the right to go, but I did. I at least had to say goodbye.

            My whole school ended up going. I couldn’t help but feel angry and annoyed by the fact that so many people came to his funeral. They all cried and mourned him as if they actually knew him, as if they had actually _cared_ about him before any of this happened. They were all fakers, but who was I to judge? I was a faker too.

            I waited till everyone left his grave to say goodbye. I wanted one moment alone with him.

            “I should have never argued with you that night.” I mumbled. I was trying my damn hardest to not let the tears fall, but I started  to feel that stinging sensation in my nose right before I start to cry and I was swallowing hard to try to push down that lump in my throat, but despite myself, the tears began to stream down my face. I quickly wiped my face with the back of my arm, my suit collecting all of my tears and snot, but I didn’t even care anymore. I didn’t care about anything other than that Eren was is in a coffin and how he didn’t deserve it.

            “It was all my fault,” I choked. “We should have never met.”

**Author's Note:**

> See what I mean? Torture. Like A LOT of it.
> 
> Anyways, I basically never reread my work for errors and I suck at grammar and all that jazz so if you find ANYTHING please, please let me know!
> 
> Don't worry! I'll be posting chapter one either tonight or tomorrow. I already have the majority of it done. I plan on posting regularly either once every two weeks or once a week depending on my life and how busy I am.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this ^.^


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